The Pirate Lord of the Rings: The Return of Jack Sparrow

Gandalf Greyhame, noted wizard, discovered that a certain Frodo Baggins of the Shire was in possession of a Great Ring of Power. Acting upon his advice, Frodo set off on a Quest to destroy the One Ring, picking up enough to complement a Fellowship of Nine from Rivendell.

Meanwhile, pirate captain Jack Sparrow plunged over the great waterfall at World’s End, only to discover that his crew had been reduced to nothing but dead men in boats. Depressed, he tacked the Pearl round and brought her into a sheltered cove by that waterfall, the Rauros. He trekked across swamp and marshland, across green plains and rocky road, until, teeth chattering, he tumbled into a snowy cave by the Pass of Caradhras and fell asleep.

He awoke five hours later to find a company of four – no, five – shorties, a blonde sissy, an old man, and two young men, all staring down at him.

At Caradhras
Aragorn: *explains about why they must destroy the Ring*
Gimli: *hefts ax* So are you with us, or against us?
Legolas: You must choose now!
Jack: Er…

Aragorn: Why should we trust you to help us?
Jack: Me? I’m dishonest, and a dishonest man you can always trust to be dishonest. Honestly. It’s the honest ones you want to watch out for, because you can never predict when they’re going to do something incredibly… stupid.
Boromir: Okay, you’re in.
Jack: Something just like that.

Gimli: [aside to Legolas] I don’t like this. I don’t trust him one bit.
Jack: You mistrust me? Listen, you can mistrust him, trust me.
Jack: *points to Boromir*
Boromir: *shifts uncomfortably*

Caradhras: *throws lots of snow at them*
Gimli: If we can’t go over the mountain… let’s go under it.

Mines of Moria
Fellowship: *opens doors of Moria*
Pippin: *throws stone in water*
Water: *ripples*
Jack: Perhaps this isn’t a good time to tell you a huge sea beast is after me?
Boromir: So if we let it eat you, it’ll spare us?
Legolas: Shut up.
Aragorn: For the good of the Fellowship, we must bind you here.
Aragorn: *chains Jack to the rock*
Jack: Pirate.
Aragorn: Ranger, actually.

Merry: *burns off a few of the Watcherkraken’s tentacles* Did we kill it?
Pippin: No… I think we just made it angry.

Watcherkraken: ROARRRR
Jack: *covered in mucus* Not so bad…
Jack: *wipes the mucus from his face*
Jack: *sees his hat in Watcherkraken’s mouth*
Jack: *puts on his hat with pride*
Jack: ‘Ello, beastie.
Jack: *smiles and draws his sword*
Sauron: *sees the whole incident in the palantir*
Sauron: Our debt will be settled soon.

Watcherkraken: *drags Jack off to Sauron*

Sauron: *dangles Jack over the pit full of Orcs*
Sauron: Do you fear death?
Jack: You have no idea.

Sauron: Lower the prisoner!
Jack: *descends towards waiting Orcs*
Jack: Goodbye, beastie.
Watcherkraken: *tentacles Sauron’s arm*
Watcherkraken: [sotto voce] He might do more harm helping the Fellowship than if they were without him.
Sauron: I’ve changed my mind. Take him down to the cells.

Warg: *holds ring of keys in mouth*
Warg: *watches Jack and growls*
Jack: *holds out bone*
Jack: Here doggy, here doggy doggy… bring the keys, good doggy…
Warg: *sits there and refuses to move*
Jack: *hurls bone at the floor*
Jack: Stupid mangy cur, you-
Warg: *hurls self at the bars, growling and snapping jaws*
Jack: Good doggy gooddoggygooddoggy!!
Keys: *slide down Warg’s throat*

Sauron: You are neither dead nor dying. What is your purpose here?
Legolas: [quickly] Jack Sparrow sent me to settle his debt.
Sauron: What is your purpose here?
Legolas: Jack Sparrow sent me to settle his debt.
Sauron: *laughs* Did he, now? I’m sorely tempted to accept that offer.

Legolas: I can get you out of here.
Jack: How?
Legolas: Where’s the key?
Jack: *points*
Warg: *growls and picks teeth*
Legolas: Oh noo…

Meanwhile…
Aragorn: Jack! We need you back something fierce!
Gimli: The Nine are now horsed on fell beasts!
Legolas: Gandalf has fallen into the Shadow in Moria!
Boromir: Sauron’s malice is about to be unleashed!
Jack: I leave you people alone for just a minute. Look what happens, everything’s gone to pot!

Amon Hen
Uruk-hai: RAHHHHH.
Jack: *leaps up on the Seeing Seat*
Jack: Gentlemen, you will remember this as the day you almost caught Ja-
Jack: *falls back off the Seeing Seat*
Uruk-hai: *slay Boromir and make off with hobbits*

Aragorn: [in imitation of Jack] I leave you alone with two hobbits and Boromir for just a minute. Look what happens, everything’s gone to pot!

Drinking Game In Rohan
Old man: The die is cast. I bid three twos.

Aftermath of Drinking Game In Rohan
Jack: *sits up and stares at empty barrels*
Jack: Why is all the rum gone?
Jack: *stands up and staggers drunkenly*
Jack: Oh… that’s why.

Wild Men
Jack: ‘Scuse me, but you wouldn’t happen to have seen my friend Legolas about?
Wild Men: *grunt in a puzzled manner*
Jack: Well… Lum se se, eunuchy. Snip snip?

Legolas: What about Jack? I can’t leave without him!
Legolas: *turns and sees Jack chased by the Wild Men*
Legolas: Time to go, Aragorn.

Helm’s Deep
Gimli: *sits on dead Orc*
Gimli: Forty-two!
Legolas: *draws bow and shoots the Orc Gimli is sitting on*
Legolas: Forty-three.
Gimli: He was already dead!
Legolas: He was twitching.
Gimli: He was twitching because he had my ax in him!
Gimli: *moves ax to prove his point and Orc twitches again*
Gimli: See, I told y-
*Gunshot*
Jack: Don’t argue, ladies.
Jack: *beheads Orc*
Jack: But Legolas was right – he was still twitching.
Jack: *sheathes blade*
Jack: Forty-four.

After Helm’s Deep
Jack: *walks onto the balcony in Edoras*
Legolas: *turns to look at Jack as he leans on the rail next to Legolas*
Jack: My tremendous intuitive sense of the female creature informs me that you are troubled.
Legolas: Sauron’s presence is growing.

Sam: *throws Elven-cloak over him and Frodo*
Easterling 1: Now we’re being followed by rocks.
Easterling 2: Never had that before.
Easterling 3: Stop it, you sound like that crazy pirate captain.

The Corsairs of Umbar
Jack: Okay, now we stand here and stop the ships.
Aragorn: This better work.
Jack: I’ve captained an undead crew before. Your whole band isn’t any different.
Corsairs: *sail up the river slowly*
Legolas: [whispers] This is either madness… or brilliance.
Jack: It’s remarkable how often these two traits coincide.

Aragorn: You will go no further. You will not enter Gondor.
Corsairs: Who are you to deny us passage?
Aragorn: Legolas, fire a warning shot past the bosun’s ear.
Gimli: Mind your shot.
Legolas: *draws bow*
Gimli: *nudges bottom of the bow*
Jack: *nudges top of the bow*
Arrow: *falls dismally in the water*
Legolas: *blushes*
Jack: Let me handle that, darling.
Jack: *fires pistol and kills two corsairs*
Aragorn: You weren’t supposed to kill them. It’s a warning shot.
Jack: *about to shoot Aragorn but turns back towards the ship*
Jack: This shot isn’t meant for you.
Jack: *fires pistol and kills corsair captain*
Gimli: Right, that’s it. We warned you. Prepare to be boarded.
Corsairs: Boarded? By you and what army?
Aragorn: This army.
Army of the Dead: *CHARGE!*

Gimli: Why do you get to steer the ship?
Legolas: *dreamily* because he’s a pirate.
Gimli: I thought we were supposed to kill all the pirates?
Gimli: *hefts ax*
Jack: Actually, you killed the corsairs. Cor. Sair. I’m a PIRATE, savvy?
Aragorn: That actually makes sense.

Gimli: So let me steer the ship now!
Aragorn: But I want to steer the ship now.
Gimli: *charges at the wheel to gain control of it*
Aragorn: *charges at the wheel to gain control of it*
Legolas: *charges at the wheel to protect Jack*
Jack: *spins the wheel and sets all three high up in the masts*
Jack: Now as long as you three are up there, pay attention -
Aragorn: You’re not playing by the rules.
Jack: The only rules that really matter are these: what a man can do and what a man can’t do. You didn’t play by the rules when you woke up that whole army back there, did you? And me, for example. I can let you drown, but I can’t bring this ship into Gondor all by me ownsies, savvy? So can you sail under the command of a pirate, or can you not?

Legolas: *falls into water*
Legolas: Help!
Jack: *looks at Gimli* can you swim?
Gimli: *dumbly shakes head*
Jack: *looks at Aragorn* can you swim?
Aragorn: I doubt the doggy paddle counts?
Jack: You’re insults to the Fellowship, both of you.

Jack: *thrusts hat at Gimli*
Jack: *thrusts sword and compass at Aragorn*
Jack: *dives in and rescues Legolas*
Legolas: [thinks] mouth to mouth resuscitation…
Legolas: *opens eyes suddenly to find a fish on his face*
Aragorn: I never knew you could do that.
Jack: Clearly you’ve never been to Rohan.

Legolas: *shoots mumakil*
Legolas: *looks pro*
Gimli: That still counts as one!
Jack: He’s too pro. Now where’s that monkey? I need to shoot something.

Jack: *chases monkey across battlefield*
Mumakil: *trumpet* *bellow*
Haradrim: *yell*
Battlefield: *crash* *bang*
Jack: *unaware that he trips up five mumakil as he chases the monkey*
Gimli: That… still counts as five.

Jack: *chases monkey through the forest*
Monkey: *runs up tree*
Jack: *reaches the base of tree*
Ent: *looks down at Jack with monkey in branches*

Sauron: [to Watcherkraken] They know they face extinction. All that remains is where they make their final stand.
Watcherkraken: *points tentacle at Black Gate*
Sauron: I know.

Jack: We must fight, to run away!
Aragorn: No, we will fight for the good of all Middle-Earth!
Jack: But we won’t be killed in that fight, will we?
Aragorn: No…
Jack: *wearily* So we ARE fighting, to run away.

Aragorn: Sons of Gondor! Of Rohan! My brothers!
Men: *silence*
Aragorn: I see in your eyes the same fear that would take the heart of me. A day may come when the courage of Men fails, when we forsake our friends and break all bonds of fellowship, but it is not this day! An hour of wolves and shattered shields when the Age of Men comes crashing down, but it is not this day! This day we fight! By all that you hold dear on this good earth, I bid you stand, Men of the West! Are you all with me?
Men: Yo ho, all together, hoist the Colours high; Men of Rohan and Men of Gondor, never say we die.

Banner of the White Tree: *is raised by thousands of Gondoreans*
Banner of the Silver Swan: *is raised by thousands of those from Dol Amroth*
Banner of the White Horse: *is raised by thousands of Rohirrim*
Banner with skull and crossbones: *is raised by one solitary Jack Sparrow*

Aragorn: There’s not been a gathering like this in all our lifetime.
Jack: And I owe them all money.

Mouth of Sauron: Parlay!
Aragorn: We’re here to fight, not to talk. I’ll slay.. who was it who invented that word anyway?
Jack: Er, that would be the French.

Mouth of Sauron: You can fight and all of you will die, or you can surrender, in which case only most of you will die.

Aragorn: *fondles the Evenstar lovingly*
Jack: You know, for having such a bleak outlook on pirates you are well on your way to becoming one: capturing a ship of the Corsairs’, sailing with an undead crew out of Dunharrow, and you’re completely obsessed with shiny treasure.

Gimli: [aside to Legolas] Do not make the mistake in believing that you’re the only one who cares for Jack.

Jack: You may kill me but never insult me! Now, who am I?
Orc: *stops in mid-swing and blinks, puzzled*
Jack: [weakly] I’m Captain Jack Sparrow…
Orc: *blinks, puzzled*
Jack: *stabs orc and runs away*

Fellowship: *gets totally whacked up by lots and lots and lots of orcs*
Cracks of Doom: *spit lava and bits of molten Ring everywhere*
Sauron’s army: *runs*
Sauron’s lighthouse: *crumbles*
Everyone else: *cheers*

Back in Minas Tirith
Jack: Legolas, you may throw my hat.
Legolas: *throws Jack’s hat into the air with everyone else’s to celebrate the victory over Sauron*
Jack: Now, you go get it.

Hobbits become ringbearers for weddings
Aragorn: *kisses Arwen*
Will: *kisses Elizabeth*
Faramir: *kisses Eowyn*
Jack: Ooh weddings. I love weddings.

At the Port
Jack: *flourish* Come, ladies and gents, all aboard the Black Pearl for the undying lands!
Elrond: It’s real!
Gandalf: So you actually were telling the truth.
Jack: *eyes closed* I do that quite a lot. Yet people are always surprised.
Aragorn: With good reason.

Bilbo: That thing… that’s what we’re sailing on to the Undying Lands?
Jack: *looks at crude Orc-raft*
Jack: This is not my vessel. My vessel is magnificent, and fierce, and huge-ish, and gone. Why is it gone?

Legolas: *argues with Gimli*
Gimli: *quarrels with Legolas*
Jack: Ladies, will you please shut it and listen to me!
Jack: [to Legolas] You can’t shoot for nuts.
Jack: [to Gimli] You’re short and fat.
Jack: [to Legolas] Your hair is so sissy.
Jack: [to Gimli] I killed two of the orcs you claimed to have killed.
Jack: And all this pales to utter insignificance in light of the fact that my ship.. is once again gone. Savvy?

Gimli: *slaps Jack*
Legolas: *slaps Jack*
Both: *stalk off*
Jack: *slaps Aragorn*
Jack: *pushes Aragorn into the water*
Jack: Paddle out and fetch it back.

Jack: All passengers for Valinor, all aboard the Black Pearl!
Elves and two hobbits: *file up the gangplank*
Jack: Drink up, me hearties, yo ho!

The great ship unfurled its sails and headed off into the sunset, as the hobbits watched from the pier. Suddenly, there was a green flash of light, and the Elves were never seen in Middle-Earth ever again. But of Jack Sparrow.. ah, that is another story altogether.

9V-747

LP747

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